I have come to believe that sometimes couples have the expectation that their sex life must be on ‘high’ at all times. In reality, however, your sex life has its ups and downs. Just likr the weather has it’s long rains, short rains and periods of drought and scarcity, your sex life will go from hot and sizzling to ‘barely enough’ to ‘starvation’ depending on what else is going on.
The main thing to remember, therefore, is that these are merely seasons and are therefore temporary. If they last longer than what feels temporary to you then you may have cause for concern but otherwise, do what you need to do to get through each season with grace.
1.Plenty, plenty, plenty!
Sometimes a couple is able to recognise when they are in a really great place especially in terms of their sex life.. However,, too often, a couple’s season of abundance passes by unacknowledged. Ladies and gentlemen, it is important to recognise a grand harvest while you are eating from its bounty, otherwise you may become despondent during your fallow season, having forgotten that you were once happy and fulfilled. The hallmarks of this season include a lot more laughter, better communication, more frequent attempts to connect: texts, sexts, meals together, random seemingly-boring messages about the children, in-laws, friends or gossip, and a general increase in the desire to connect. Things may be sizzling hot under the covers as well: greater frequency of sex, a higher quality of sex, increased attempts to seduce, lingerie, a greater desire to carve out, honour and/or plan for date nights, a greater opennes to sexual (mis) adventures, romantic walks or drives for no other reason that to be together (and who knows what might happen along the way?). Even the approach to conflict management and resolution during this season is just different. You may find that you’re disagreeing less frequently, or that even when you do disagree, there are a lot more positive assumptions (“maybe she’s just tired and cranky” or “he’s probably too caught up with work to reply my text”) than negative assumptions (“she’so disrespectful” or “he’s taking me for granted”). Generally speaking, you are likely to experience each other differently and things are likely to be feeling much easier. It almost feeld like you’re both dancing to the same music at the same time in the same way. When you’re in this season, keep doing what you’re doing and then increase it. Take advantage of this season to have the best of the best, in and out of bed.
Remember: Document it in your own way. It doesn’t hurt to have proof of fun, funny, exciting things that were said and done during this time, especially during more challenging seasons. Finally, enjoy yourselves during this season ti the fullest extent of your abilities. Eat your life with a big spoon!
This season can be difficult to accept because it almost feels like you’re not getting enough and yet you can’t quite complain. Things may feel “meh” for/between you and you may moy feel like you have a hold of what’s going on. Sexually, you may find that your libido is lower than usual and even when you do have sex, it’s kind of mediocre; like sex for sex’s sake, without much passion or desire. During this season, it is important to remember that this is just a season and not necessarily a state of being. Additionally, it is important that you remind yourself that things have been great before (see proof?) and that they will be great once more. Similar to hoe farmers must find alteenate sources of water for their land during dry seasons or risk losing their entire crop, you must find some irrigation for your land or risk losing your entire crop (relationship). What does this mean? It means that for now, you need to lean into doing what needs to be done on order to stay connected, for example, doing the thingd that you knoe make life better and easy for you and your partner. If your partner likes roasted meat, bring some home with you. If they seem overwhelmed, help them with something so that your presence is felt even when your love may not be fely in that loud yet tender way that you’re used to. You may not necessarily be able to side-step this ‘barely there’ season but you can definitely contribute to making better. Even a question as simple as “are you happy in this marriage?” Or “I don’t think we’re OK, are you OK? What can I do to make things better?” can make a big difference. PS: notice that YOU can do, not what they can do for you first. That’s because you are taking responsibility for your part of things.
Remember: If they don’t reciprocate with their own offer to improve things, you can either let it go and start with your bit first or playfully ask “are you curious to know my answer to that question?” The main agenda though is to make concrete steps towards improving the quality of the soil in which your love life and relationship grow.
In sex — as in life — sometimes things can go sideways. For whatever reason – maybe infidelity, maybe the difficulties of life, maybe even just the familiarity that can occur in marriage – your relationship and sex life can lose its appeal and you then have to decide whether to pause and regroup, or whether you want to give up and continue in that misery. My advice? Don’t give up just yet. The thing with seasons is that as surely as they begin, they also end. Most farmers have had the unfortunate experience of losing their crop to drought. Despite their best efforts, they have been unable to save that season’s crop. They have had to endure the heartbreak and loss of something that was once good, but they have also had to question whether planting was worth the trouble again. Some have quit farming altogether while others resumed the farming of the exact same crop or chose to change their crop altogether. The point is, they have had to “choose”. When you lose your best crop, you can always start over because you have the land, the seeds, the water and the will — all of which are in your control. OK, so maybe you forgot to to water your land and your crop but there’s no reason why you can’t plant new seeds and doba better job of farming your land i.e attending your relationship. You can invite your partner into seeking the support and guidance of a couple’s therapist with you. If there is ongoing infidelity on your end, you can put a stop to it. If you have been hiding behind ‘work’, ‘I’m busy!’ Or even ‘my church needs me’, choose to be more available, no matter how awkward it may feel at first. If you have not initiated sex in a while, begin today and initiate. If you’re constantly feigning illness or fatigue to avoid your partner’s sexual advances, interrupt that unhelpful behaviour by choosing to be responsive instead.
Remember: You’re in a state of drought and famine because you neglect your crop, sometimes in favour of other people and places. Why not turn that neglect on its head and begin to attend to your relationship instead? Things die when they’re neglected but they can be revivrd and rhey can thrive with the right attention. Your soil may need eextra tending (attention, effort and patience) to improve its health but it can be revived and it can thrive, if thats what you want. As you assess your relationship — past, present and future — I hope you do so with appreciation and gratitude for all the seasons that you have experienced so far. Next, I hope that you will move forward with greater awareness as you experience each upcoming season. I wish you a happy, healthy, more aware relationship — in and out.